My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
