Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
