Will you blow on my dice?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
