I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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