I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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