so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
