I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize