Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm too high and old for this...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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