I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
