literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
