You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
