I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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