I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
