I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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