Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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