I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
