I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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