why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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