TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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