I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
