Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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