I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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