He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
