even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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