You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
