He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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