so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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