Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
