The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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