batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
