"it" just moved
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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