it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
