I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
