You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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