I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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