i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
