Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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