Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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