I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
