I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
