Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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