Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I fill condoms, not promises.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
