i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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