He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
