the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woke up backwards on a recliner
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
