It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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