is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
