My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
