what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
