chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize