By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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