one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm always down for nudity.
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