halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
