he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize