he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
