I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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