I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i drank out of a bidet.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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