Define "chronic" masturbator.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
