I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
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