Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
