sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
