yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
