she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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